


The General, Mega and Cosmic Horns With the Introduction Of The Huge Red Bottom

by WhenIFindLoveAgain



Category: Original Work
Genre: British Comedy, British Politics, British Slang, Comedy, Crushes, Diary/Journal, Dubious Morality, F/F, F/M, First Crush, Funny, Humor, M/M, Morality, Philosophy, Romantic Comedy, Secret Crush, Taking the piss, the cosmic horn, the general horn, the huge red bottom, the mega-horn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22284250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenIFindLoveAgain/pseuds/WhenIFindLoveAgain
Summary: A comedy piece about terrible crushes, the edge of being in love with more quite possibly more than one person - shock and horror! - and the art of been a horny teenager, and just what that inscribes, and this outstanding piece of British comedy it might not sound like a genuine matter and feeling and just comic generalization of been a tart, prat, Sex God/Goddess, Love God/Goddess, and general hypocrite.Um....still wish to read on after that fine display of intelligence?
Kudos: 1





	The General, Mega and Cosmic Horns With the Introduction Of The Huge Red Bottom

_"Why don't you come up and see me for a while?"_

  
_My breath caught in my chest. Jesus....fucking....Christ, I thought._

  
And then I woke up.

  
Bugger bloody dream.

  
There's only one explanation for this.

  
Who-I-Cannot-Name-For-Legal-Reasons-And-I'm-Terrified-That-They-Might-Actually-See-This-And-Then-It-Goes-All-Topsy-Because-Nothing-Is-Never-Not-Complicated-Is-It?

  
I've got two intensely powerful crushes at the minute, and more recent one I'm actually trying quite hard to get over - consciously, semi-consciously, latte and chocolate consciously, everything.

  
I genuinely am trying to work it out of my system.

  
Then there's the longer crush - since about September last year.

  
As of late, I'm writing quite extensively about this. Can you imagine why? There might be a very small possibility - oh, why do I even bother with that? You can tell I'm from the UK, now, right? Dithering nation of the world, England is. What gets me, everything thinks the English are stiff and cold and uptight and there's a lot of jill-and-jack-of-all-trades middle class and east-end struggling-to-cope with great clothes and great accents, and the country itself is run by idiotic, over-educated, over-sexed toffs.  
Actually, that's true, but the English aren't that stiff and cold and uptight when all shit hits the fan; Poms get very nasty.

  
But, then again, the Germans could tell you that quite comfortably.

  
Oh, come on! The British will never stop antagonizing them over it. If you know what I'm on about, but due to how little is taught in schools nowadays for the sake of political correctness, God knows what you know.

  
Anyhow, I'll get back to my point - and if my little rant in the middle of the work isn't proof that Brits get nasty, I'm not sure what is - what am I on about? Of course I'm in love...even if it's just a little bit.

  
But you could well say I'm not very faithful.

  
I blame this on what essentially all young people have; it's called the horn - and look, before I get into this, it is a genuine matter and feeling and not just comic generalization of been a tart, prat, Sex God/Goddess, Love God/Goddess, and general hypocrite.

  
Um....still wish to read on after that fine display of intelligence?

  
Well, alright, then, here we are:

  
**THE GENERAL HORN:**

The general horn is what you feel upmost and first. It starts anywhere from about twelve and, essentially, congratulations ladies and gentleman. You have this little bugger on the inside of your jacket for the rest of your life! You will still have this little sod when you see him making an appearance in your children, in your wife over the very sexy gardener who used to be a armed forces officer, in your husband over the girl with the big bum who organises the shelves of the fruit shop, and, even more horrifying, in your parents and siblings!

  
The general horn is when you're turned on, and, frankly, turned on hot for someone. Whether it's the kind of warmth which you can bask in a hammock in, or the sort of heat that could power a pizza oven in a pizzeria in Rome - trust me, it can feel that significant that could do miraculous things from the other side of the world. 

  
I'll give you an example of this. Oh, you poor thing for having to read this. Can't tell I'm the devil yet? Well, go on then....

  
There was this young woman who had thick, tangled black haired that fell down in kinks and curls and braids and dreadlocks to her backside; the hair was dyed a bright fluorescent pink in most sections, and she had little wooden and glass beads in it, for a penchant of wearing skin-tight solid colour French-style tops, and dyed calico trousers - green, red, black, orange, purple, blue, white - with the same set of shoes. Wool-lined boots. And, me, frankly - you wouldn't think I was a pagan at all. Imagine this.  
Five foot four Welsh woman with thick black hair that had just had a breakout with red lipstick, black Lennon glasses, tailored jeans, tailored Inspector Morse coat, huge white jumper, cotton bag full of my notebooks and laptop and pens, and leather boots. When you first think of a woman who worships the Universe...that's not the image you get. You think of a bit of wild thing running about a forest in the nuddy-pants with a cheeky cigarette and tons of pubic hair. As general rule. 

  
And the concept of said woman having a breakout of spots never comes into it either.

  
I was sitting on a park bench outside the library of the town where I partially live, partially don't leave. She came out of the library - tiny waist, thigh gap, phenomenal arse, God, she had a gorgeous arse - and she looked over her shoulder at me. I smiled and her, and I think she smiled at me.

  
I thought about running after her and giving her my card; I was in a rut. 

  
No, not that!

  
I was in a professional and financial rut! I had no models, and you can't run a dressmaking business with no models to photograph wearing the clothes, can you?

  
Now, you've had that come into your life and you're probably wondering "Why the fuck?", let's move onto the Mega-Horn.

**THE MEGA-HORN:**

The Mega-Horn is where the General Horn gets a lot more prevalent, and tons more uncontrollable.

  
The Mega-Horn alone is solely responsible for what teenage boys do best - making a gigantic balls-up! Cock-up, fuck-up, balls-up, whatever you like. This is what causes it 99.9% of the time.

  
And, the Mega-Horn is solely responsible for why most teenage girls are correctly called "tarts".

  
The Mega-Horn also stays for you for the rest of you life, and it will interfere in your children's, siblings, parent's lives, along with possibly your marriage. If you Wife or Husband as the Mega-Horn for you - well, fucking well done, mate! If it's for someone else, well, you have my condolences, chicken. And as you know I'm a Brit, you will know that I'm not taking the piss and saying you're ball-less by calling you "Chicken". "Chicken" is an affectionate term; but there's still the sarcastic side, but don't lose the plot with me right now. We haven't got to the Cosmic Horn, yet.

**THE COSMIC HORN:**

The Cosmic Horn is when you have it for absolutely everyone - your sister's best friend, your best friend, hey, even your English teachers because as of late her breasts looking very pert in that black Givenchy turtleneck!

  
The Cosmic Horn is when you want everybody and need everyone, anyone, absolutely anyone. 

  
I'm sorry, there's just no other way of saying it. It's completely blatant.

Actually, I've got a really funny example of this.

When you're about fourteen and fifteen - or younger, even, I had it all worked out by the time I was twelve - you start hearing very promiscuous, dirty, sexual, sensual things in society. I used to hate "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyl's for it been a song about female masturbation and eroticism, because when you're young all of that stuff - sex, condoms, eggs, ovaries, and just sex is general - is disgusting, absolutely appalling, because, basically, you associate that with your parents and every other grown up you've ever known. It's a terribly startling thing, but, literally, one day you wake up at about fourteen or fifteen, and nothing is that bad. You begin to like all of that, feel all of that, and want it - I now absolutely love "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyl's.

And, where I'm getting with this, is, of course, the most embarrassing and downright...look, I'll just tell you. There's this guy I know, and for example let's say his name is Tristan, right? 

Well, here he is, stark naked on his bed at his bedroom at home, masturbating away furiously with his headphones on because he's just got the Cosmic Horn big-time for absolutely anything that moves about in a skirt. He's masturbating away - wanking off - at a hundred miles an hour...and he doesn't notice his MUM COME INTO HIS BEDROOM WITH A CUP OF TEA AND A COCKING SANDWHICH FOR HIM!

There we are, ladies and gents. Have you ever heard anything quite like that in your whole life?

Then, we have this relationship destroyer....let me formally introduce the bastard:

**THE HUGE RED BOTTOM:**

This comes from the delightful baboon species. When a female or male baboon decides that they would like to be horny and quite dirty, their backside lights up fiercely red because as blood goes down to their loins, it lights up the backside as well. And this happens, regardless of anything. Whether they're already mated, whether they're mated, whether they're probably a bit too young or a bit too old - been promiscuous and downright manic are favourable traits to the baboons. And this translate to humans, jocks, and tarts as well.

The huge red bottom is the term when you're angling for someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner, your mates boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner, or you go for someone else despite having a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner.

The huge red bottom means you're a cheater, and the huge red bottom scenario comes in despite if you've got the General, Mega, or Cosmic Horns - and the red bottom can come in nevertheless the horns, but, generally, if you're angling for a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner you cannot have upfront, it means you have one of the horns

Now, either way despite all the horns and the practice of the huge red bottom, I genuinely am trying to work one of those crushes out of my system. But...anytime a photo of him - the one I'm trying to get rid of despite really wanting him - is a "Him" by the way...I just melt in my knickers. Melted knickers, melted pantaloonies, hot pants, whatever you like. You could smooth and press your hands onto me into a new shape and feeling and form...oo-er.

That came out rather sexual considering I meant the practice of pottery.

It's exceptionally hard to get over someone; because the first thing that gets you is the fact that you're actually trying to get over them. But, for me, it was a lot simpler.

Which one makes me feel the best?

She or him?

And, honestly, it's she. It's always been she. 

There's an art to perfecting this sort of thing. And the best you can hope for is to not fuck it up.


End file.
